my first year of motherhood

This post was originally published April 4, 2024 on substack

Yesterday was my son’s first birthday. I greeted him in the morning with a bunch of balloons pouring into his crib, and we spent the morning together just like any other morning — a quick change and him holding his own bottle while I hold him in my arms, staring into each other’s eyes.

I posted his monthly milestone video, where each month we documented his growth with a cupcake. Of course, I cried, I laughed, I watched the video 20 times over. Around the 25th time I couldn’t help but notice all the changes in myself over the last year as well. For the past five or so years, I’ve kept my hair roughly the same: long. wavy. My style has also stayed consistent: neutrals, delicate, feminine. Perhaps it’s not something noticeable to everyone but looking at myself in the video I see a woman going through it slightly - around month six I have bangs, the next month my hair is clipped up (hiding my bangs), the next month, my hair is chopped 3-4 inches shorter, styled more in a blow out rather than my typical loose waves. Respectively, I’m wearing colors you typically don’t see me wear: black, dark navy, pastel blue and every outfit style is a little different from the last.

Again, because I tend to flair towards overdramatic, I can admit it’s actually not that crazy of a change but because I’ve been so consistent to myself, I feel it was such an accurate representation of this first year of motherhood: a little lost, trying new things, the feminine motherly urge to chop my hair and change everything about myself.

Ever since I gave birth, the nesting urge morphed into a motherly urge and all of a sudden I’m window shopping bobs and mom wardrobes, donating anything that doesn’t fit me and hating everything in my closet. It’s a very strange time, motherhood. You hold your baby and there is no happier, sweeter feeling. And yet getting dressed is a nightmare. You don’t look the way you did before. You are tired and overjoyed and if nothing else, overstimulated. You probably have way too much stuff so of course — all we want to do is purge. Purge any old clothes our son has surely grown out of after one wear, purge the excess of toys, purge clothes that don’t fit myself, anything that represents my old life — pre-motherhood — and now let me start anew and fresh into this new phase of life: being a mom.

What is it about being a mom that makes us feel like it needs to be our new identity? Because it is our identity and so much of us. But it also isn’t our only identity. Why are we trying so hard to shed old parts of ourselves, especially at a time when everything feels strange and different and new? I think society makes us feel like we should lean into the new, and embrace our new mom identities and throw away our old ones gladly and proudly. And while yes, parts of my old life are, of course, forever changed; a year out I’ve now learned that what has actually made me feel the best: returning to my old self.

Going back to the things I loved doing, the things I enjoy beyond motherhood, wearing things I used to wear (not that this is wholly possible since not everything fits — but I am working on that). I don't actually need to be a brand new person, I need to get back a little to who I used to be. And while I know that girl is not something I can fully get back to either, that’s okay too. A mix of the old me and the new me, morphing into one — not discarding one or the other.

In the first clip of the video and the last clip, I actually happen to be wearing the same exact dress — this was not planned. I just happened to reach for it, wanted to wear something ivory and feminine. I loosely waved my hair, the same way I’ve styled it for the past five years, which also matched the first clip of the video, just a couple inches shorter. This serendipitous matching actually meant a lot to me while putting together the video. Through all the twists and turns of trying new things, I actually ended up returning back to myself. At least, it feels like a nice start.